Dustpan please…..

June 29, 2011

scatteredpeicesofme Pain , , , , , , , 2 Comments

There’s something I’ve been thinking about lately and that is as follows: Why do I continue to trust people, mainly women, like I do?  It baffles me and I’m seriously stumped.  As I’ve gone through life, during the different stages of growing up and beyond I recall many of the experiences that I’ve had with women that have made a serious impact on me.  I’m not entirely sure how to move past some of those experiences and therefore I am starting to seek professional help.  I know some of them have been monumental to how I’ve arrived at where I am.  Let me share some of the most impacting, mainly hurtful, experiences with you…..

Over the course of my life, my heart has been ripped to shreds by numerous women.  Some I’ve felt close too, others, not so much.  I remember being very young, probably about 7 or so.  I remember I had a neighbor named Sarah (not my wife, mind you) and I remember that she was one of the few neighbor kids that my sister and I would go outside and play with.   She was 2 years older than me and I remember looking up to her.  I also remember feeling that we were pretty close friends.  Well, one April Fool’s Day I remember that Sarah came up to me and said in a very believable voice, “I’ve wanted to tell you something for a long time.  I really like you.  I want to know if you would be my boyfriend!”  She leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek.  I was ecstatic!  I had always liked her, but never felt like I could say anything to her, because her older brother was always there and he didn’t much care for me or my sister.  But not this time.  He was out with his friends and so I thought I could take this opportunity to really start to open up to her!  After a few minutes, Sarah asked me what I was thinking and what my answer was.  I told that I would love to be her boyfriend, at which time she punched me in the shoulder and started laughing uncontrollably chanting, “April Fool’s, April Fool’s!”  I remember being absolutely crushed.  It hurt a lot more than I ever wanted to admit…..

When I was about 9 years old, there was this girl name Chrystal.  She had just moved into the area and our parents had started to become pretty good friends.  A few months after we met we started talking about how much we really liked each other.  She gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me that she really liked me and hoped that we would always be friends and maybe one day get married.  I do realize that I was only 9, but I was also rejected by most kids so her saying those things to me felt really good.  I remember I kissed her on the cheek and told her that I really liked her a lot also.  About a year later she just stopped talking to me.  I called  her house several times and I always heard the same thing, that she was out with friends and that her parents would have her call me when she returned.  She never did.  She wasn’t my best friend, but she was one of my closest ones.  I don’t know what happened, but I remember feeling very rejected.

When I was about 13 years old, I hanging out with my friends at some function.  We were all sitting at a table eating supper when the topic came up about who we could see each other with.  We went around the table talking about who we could picture so and so hooking up with and when it got to me, one girl, Gena, piped up, “I don’t see you with anyone.  I don’t know how anyone could possibly ever love you enough to stay with you.”  I remember my heart sinking.  Everyone laughed and my turn was done……

When I was about 15 I became close friends with a girl about 2 years older than me.  Her name was Amanda.  She lived in a halfway house for troubled teens.  She had a rough background and because of that, I found it easy to talk to her about anything and most everything I had to say.  She looked out for me and took care of me around everyone else.  She shared things with me that no one else knew.  She trusted me and I trusted her.  We wrote letters and talked on the phone a lot.  I started to like her a lot and the feelings were mutual.  6 months or so later she moved out of the halfway house into a foster home.  She didn’t much like it but it was better than where she came from.  I remember the last time I saw her was at a graduation party for her.  She abandoned most of her friends and we hung out together for a while just talking about everything.  I remember that about a week afterwards I called her foster house and asked to speak with her.  Her foster mom said that Amanda had run away and that hadn’t heard anything from her in the last 2 days or so.  My heart was crushed.  I flooded her foster parent’s mailbox with tons of letters just in case she returned.  She never did and I never heard from her again.  I think the reason that this hurt the most was because I didn’t even get a goodbye.  She was my best friend and she just up and left.  I know  why she did, but I never got a goodbye or any form of closure.  It hurt so much.  She took my heart and ripped it away from me.

And then there’s Sara.  She and I met at a Halloween party at a mutual friend’s house.  We got very close in the months to follow and ended up getting married.  In the last year or so it’s been very difficult.  I’ve felt like she’s pulled away and hasn’t really wanted to be with me like she says.  She doesn’t want me to leave, but at the same time, it doesn’t feel like she wants me here.  Her words say one thing, but her actions say another…..  I remember several conversations in the last year or so, Sara has told me that she wishes I would try to charm her like I did while we were dating, but every time I try to do so, she just looks at me like I’m stupid and blows it off.  It’s has broken my heart so bad and every time I try to talk to her about it, I hear from her how she’s such a bad wife and how she’s failed so miserably and nothing gets accomplished.  She has ripped my heart into pieces and I’m so lost as to what to do with it……

And last but not least, there’s Rachel.  She never broke my heart, but I allowed it to be broken by how things went.  She was my best friend and when we separated I just felt like what tattered shreds were left of my once whole heart were ripped open and left exposed.  God this hurts so much.  I’m really not sure what to do with everything and so there’s only one thing left to say……

Could anyone please hold the dustpan while I make a feeble attempt at sweeping up what’s left of me?

Lonely

June 29, 2011

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I know something that has bothered me from time to time is the fact that people are too busy and because they are too busy, they miss out on the important things in life, truly deep relationships. 

Haven’t you ever noticed that most of the people who seem to have it all really don’t?  More times than not, they sacrifice most of their relationships because of the desire to acquire.  Other reasons I’ve noticed are as follows; they don’t care, they’re too busy, they’re shallow, and on and on and on……

Long story short, if people want and desire long-lasting, truly connected relationships, why don’t they take the time to invest in those relationships before it’s too late?  People boggle me. 

All I’m looking for in this world is to get really close to a few people who really know me for who I am, but I’ll be honest, most people don’t care, then again, most people are in pain at some point in time or another and really want someone there when they go through it.  I’ve invested so much into several people and now, when I need them the most, they are gone, and the ones who are still here, are here because they don’t know the details of me.  It’s not that I haven’t tried, they just don’t care.  Where is this connection that is longed for?  Why is it that if people are so desperate for true friendships they shy away from them?  I know it can be a scary thing, but it’s so worth it! 

I’ll be honest with you, Sara and I don’t have that connection.  She has gotten so wrapped up in the kids, tv, movies, and music that there is very little left for me.  It’s very difficult to see, that when I try to talk to her, she seems uninterested or willing allows herself to get distracted.  She hardly tells me anything personal about herself.  Everything is always about some new song she found, what the kids did (don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and enjoy listening to her about their day, but what about us?????), about the latest book she read and how it was sooo good, or some tv show that she’s addicted to.  I do enjoy listening to her about her interests, but there is something lacking.  Maybe she’s allowed herself to just get to where that’s all she does think about, but I have a hard time believing that.  I ask questions and I get very little or nothing back and it feels so lonely.  We have been married for 6 years and there is little if any communication left.  I have tried to tell her things about me and she either gets all worried and won’t let me finish, or she doesn’t hardly hear me.  I can tell she’s not listening because if in a couple of days I try to reference it, she acts like it’s the first time I’ve ever brought it up and then I get blamed for not telling her about it in the first place.  It’s bullshit and I’m sick of it.

(Incoming Rachel Rant Alert….) Rachel was there for me.  She listened to me and I listened to her.  I made a few mistakes here and there, but who doesn’t, and she forgave me for those mistakes.  Rachel was my best friend.  She always knew when to push me and when to be quite.  She knew what was important to me and asked me about it.  She told me things about her life that were dear to her.  She cared for me and about me.  There was a connection there that was amazing.  Yes, I screwed up with her and allowed myself to get physical with her, but the point isn’t that right now.  The point is this, why don’t we, as a whole, care enough about people to shut up and actively listen?  What is wrong with this picture?  Why do we allow ourselves to live in such isolation, wonder why no one is really there, and then blame everyone else when we should have stepped up to the plate?  It’s out there!  Go find it!  Listen to people and actually give a shit about the answers!  It’ll change your life.

Needless to say, I’m extremely lonely as of late.  This blog is my only true outlet right now.  I’m still looking for counseling, but until then, I’m left to talking to, at most, 21 people who read this blog each day, and even then, how many are repeats?  I just want a true friend……

What Happened?….. Part 2

June 28, 2011

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And then I met Rachel.  We had just moved into our current place and I had a friend over for the weekend.  He said that she didn’t know anyone in the area and had just moved here less than 2 months ago for school.  I told him that I didn’t care since I’m always game to meet new people.  He gave her a call to make sure that it was ok before we picked her up.  I remember picking her up and seeing how nice she was, but she was also shy.  Sara is also pretty shy around people she doesn’t know so it didn’t bother me any.  I like shy people.  I’m a bit shy myself, to a point.  Anyway, my buddy had used my cell phone to give her a call so I had her number that way.  I became Facebook friends with her and she said it was ok to text her and to use her number to get a hold of her.  After a few weeks we started talking a lot and really getting to know each other.  Rachel and Sara didn’t hit it off right away.  Something I have learned is that if you put 2 shy people in the same room, it’s a very quite meeting.

Anyway, Rachel and I got close.  We became such good friends!  I couldn’t have asked for a better friend and I even considered her my little sister.  She was family.  I found it easy to talk to her.  She cared about me like a true sister should and in ways that I never got from my real family.  She honestly cared for me so truly and so deeply and the feelings were entirely mutual.  She had self-esteem issues that I could relate to and had started to make progress in.  I did everything I could to try to build her up and help her see that she really was worth so much.  It was one of my goals to see her blossom and bloom!  I wanted more than anything else in our relationship to see her take life and run with it!  I wanted to see her free of all of those things that were holding her back.  I didn’t understand what it was that had caused it, but I wanted to help and she began to let me.

I remember one night in particular.  Rachel sat me down and told me that she had something to tell me.  She it was personal and she considered it a gift and she wanted me to treat it as such.  She told me her story.  I was overwhelmed by the words that came out of her mouth.  Her mother was a member of the clergy and her father in the medical field.  They very emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive towards her.  They also drank, a lot.  And when they drank they got worse.  My ears couldn’t believe how such a sweet girl could be taken advantage of like that.  She also proceeded to tell me how several male members of her family, immediate and extended, had sexually molested, abused, and even raped her.  I couldn’t believe it!  And when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, she dropped the big one on me.  She was also dying from a uncurable disease.  My heart just broke.  I remember feeling very numb as she told me all of this.  I also remember feeling very protective over her.  I didn’t want anyone to hurt her anymore and wanted to give her the world after she finished telling me so many of the details of her life.  It hurt to hear that Rachel went through so much and honestly didn’t feel like anyone cared.

After I heard Rachel’s story, it stirred something in me.  I became very protective, because I didn’t want to see anyone ever beat her down again!  I knew that we both had a lot of work to do to work through some of the things that she told me and I wanted to ensure that none of the work that we put into it was going to be wasted or set aback by anyone else’s carelessness.  She was my little sister and I was going to protect her damn it!…..

Myself In Hand

June 28, 2011

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When I Think About My Life
Who I Am And What I’ve Done
It Makes Me Understand About
The Person I’ve Become

 The Person You’ve Accepted
And The One I Fear The Most
Is The One You See Before You
And It’s Fading Like A Ghost

The Man I Want To Be
Is Out There
Somewhere, On His Own
The Man I Want To Be
Is Out There
Waiting To Come Home

And So I Leave, Alone
To Search For The Undiscovered
Don’t Wait
I Won’t Be Back
Until It’s Been Recovered

I’ll Go Looking
On Hands And Knees
Digging Through The Sand
And Once I’m Found
I’ll Run Home
With Myself In Hand

Live Your Life

June 28, 2011

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LIve Your Life
And No One Else’s

And Don’t Let Anyone
Live Yours For You!

Miss The Meaning

June 28, 2011

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If I Find What
I’m Looking For
Would I Recognize It?
Or Did I Disguise
It Too Well
And Miss The Meaning
Behind It?

Just Words On A Page…..

June 27, 2011

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The Story I Tell
Means Nothing To Most
But I Tell It With Reasons
That Give Me Great Hope
That Maybe, Just Maybe
Someone Reads What I’ve Said
And Maybe They’ll Learn
And Avoid
The Tears That I’ve Shed.

The Decisions I’ve Made
The Mistakes That Have Cost
Not Only Me
But Others Have Lost
Let Them Not Be In Vain
Let These Truths Ring Clear
I Tell My Story
So Hopefully
Someone Will Hear.

This Story Told In Secret
Yet In Public Display
Is The Story Of My Life
One I Live Everyday
And As The Memories Replay
In The Dark Of My Mind
I Lay Them All Out There
For Someone To Find.

Surrounded By People
I Feel So Alone
With No One To Talk To
I Never Feel At Home
So Examine Your Life
Use My Words As A Gauge
And I’ll Always Be Here
As Just Words On A Page

What happened?…..

June 27, 2011

scatteredpeicesofme Origins , , , , , 2 Comments

I’m really not sure where to begin with this one.  This last week has been very difficult for me.  The beginning of the week was depressing and it ended even worse…..

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and realizing that I’m really not healthy in any way shape or form.  I’ve been asking questions like why did I get here with a wife and 3 kids and I really don’t like the answers I give to those questions.  Let me just tell you my story…..

I was raised in a very emotionally and sexually abusive household, and as it would seem to be the norm nowadays.  My father married my mother to spite his girlfriend who made him very mad and left him, but thought that he would come running back to her.  They had done this for a while and had even tried to get pregnant together.  There’s a good start….  Anyway, he found that after a few years that he really wasn’t happy with the way things were going, especially since he didn’t marry my mom for the right reasons.  He found one day that he was very unhappy, but tried to push through it all anyway to make it work for the kids.  We traveled the world as quite a few military families do and eventually found our way back stateside.  We lived in California for about 10 years where my dad got out of the military and started his own business with a friend.  That worked for a while but then we lost everything, business, house, everything.  We eventually made our way back to the place that my dad grew up in because there was work here.  After a few years of being back in the area, he happened to run into his old girlfriend someplace randomly.  They started talking and eventually they started sleeping together for what sounds like quite a few years.  Ok, so that’s one layer.  Let’s add another.

When my sister was about 4 my dad started to molest and rape her.  This happened until she was about 15 or 16 years old.  When she was about 6 years old she started to take what she learned from my father and using it towards me.  I didn’t know what was happening and I was interested to learn.  My sister and I fooled around (never actually had sex) until she was 16 and I was 17.  I developed a very interesting view about how the family was supposed to work during all of this.  Let’s add yet another layer, shall we?

I lived in an ultra-conservative, and overly critical household.  My father and I never really got a long for most of my childhood.  We had some good times, but on the whole we fought a lot.  He was always happy to inform me that I wasn’t worth much, that I didn’t pay attention, listen, or that I was an all around screw up.  I hated my father and was suicidal during most of my teenage years.  Starting to shed some light?

I met my wife when I was 18 years old.  My parents hated the fact that I was dating anyone.  They had this idea that I wasn’t supposed to start dating until I was on my own with a job and house, you know, ready to support a family.  Sara was my first serious relationship.  She pushed to get married and so after a year and a half I married her.  A year and a half later, we had a baby boy.  11 months later we had another baby boy.  Shortly after that, I lost my job and had to go look for work.  I had heard that 2 1/2 hours away, where a friend of mine had recently moved to, there was lots of work to be had.  I thought I would go check it out before I moved the whole family that far with no certainty.  Long story short, I was separated from my family for about 4 months.  I found a temporary place to live and was able to get my family to me and about 2 months later I found us a home and shortly after we had our third baby boy.  That was 3 years ago.

Now that you know a chunk of my story, let me break it down.  I married my wife because I didn’t feel like I could find anyone else who would accept me.  I had such a low self-esteem that I thought I should take the first one who would listen to me and accept me.  She wanted kids so bad and even though there were a few times that I could imagine having kids, I didn’t really want them.  I was trying to do everything that I could to make her happy.  Like I said, I didn’t think I could find anyone else and so I tried to do anything I could to keep her.  Everything I’ve done since I met her was to try to make her happy and in the end have felt myself lacking what I want and need.  Because of all of this I’ve really not known how to really talk to her about what I feel and what I need…..

Reflection Time

June 21, 2011

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Ok, so this weekend was interesting.  I went to the spot where I had to say goodbye to Rachel just this last Friday.  I went there with a different friend just to get away from life for a little while.  I did not let him in on the fact that I had a connection with that place, but rather allowed him to enjoy the peaceful setting that the pond.  There had been struggles at the house with taunting spirits (details that I will share shortly, but not in this writing) and I needed to escape to think, so at 2:30 am, Sunday morning, we drove out there and sat for a couple hours.

An overwhelming wave of emotions came over me when I pulled into the parking lot.  It was empty now and therefore much easier to see where my car had been parked and also hers just a few days prior.  That whole experience flooded back to me and it was very difficult to keep my emotions in check.  I managed it because if I didn’t, I would have to explain what hurt so bad to my friend and I know he would have disagreed with Friday’s decisions and course of action.  We walked to a park bench and sat for a while.  Just listening for several minutes to the fish jump in the pond, the bullfrogs croaking, and the occasional car driving past was peaceful, yet memory ridden.  I had a very difficult time not getting lost in the moment of the goodbye that took place not even 48 hours earlier.

It took a little bit to get past the memories of where I was to get to the point of my being there.  Once I did I talked with my friend about some of the things I had been going through in the past few weeks.  He already knew the gist of it, but I used it as a time to really open up about what was really bothering me.  I told him about the thoughts of suicide I had been thinking that first week everything happened.  I hadn’t told anyone before that I was seriously thinking about it, because if I had decided to do it, no one was going to talk me out of it.  I was not going to be committed anywhere because when I got out, I’m pretty positive that I would have been even more depressed than when I went in…….

The Heart Of An Artist

June 18, 2011

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As I mentioned before, I’m an artist.  I write poetry, I cartoon (I can’t sketch worth a damn), and I play and write music.  One thing about being an artist that’s very difficult is that I don’t know how to relate to people very well, except other artists.  I don’t follow sports and I’m terrible with mechanics.  I can figure out how to fix a car, but it’s a very slow and pretty painful to watch me with tools in my hand.  I can however work on Computers and figure electronics out.  It’s the detail jobs that I’m good with.

The problem with being an artist sometimes is that an artist get’s hurt easily.  We invest so much in what we do that when it’s rejected it’s very hard to deal with.  It also goes that way with our relationships.  It’s very hard not to take things personally, and not just sometimes, but nearly all of the time.  When we feel that rejection has been cast upon us, it hurts so much and will simply crush us unless we have made our hearts so hard that we don’t feel anything.  The problem with a hard heart is that it’s doesn’t allow people to enter in to it and therefore we separate ourselves from the full potential of the meaningful relationships we desire so strongly.  But the pain, oh the pain, could it ever be handled again?  This is a risk and we, as artists, need to decide if that risk is worth taking.  To remain bitter and never get what we really want, or to open up to the possibility of pain and the possibility of tremendous gain.

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