I had to say goodbye to Rachel today….. If you read my last post, Road Signs, then you know a little of my current situation and my story. I was caught with Rachel by my wife Sara a week ago this last Wednesday and the last time I saw Rachel was that night, until today. I know I had to let her go to save my marriage. I haven’t told Sara that I saw Rachel again, but I mean to. Not today, not tomorrow, but soon. It’ll probably come up during our counseling once we start it.
The last time I had seen Rachel, before today, was when we were caught together. We had just been discovered and I remember not having the slightest clue what Sara was going to do. I looked at Rachel and said, “You should probably go.” She just nodded and walked out the door. It was painful. Not knowing what was going to happen. I know that we screwed up with each other, but she was still my best friend. I allowed things to go where they did because I was scared to tell her no and really stand by it. I was scared of losing her. Anyway, I got a hold of her and told her that I wanted to meet her one last time to say a proper goodbye. I know that it wouldn’t have gone over very well if I had told Sara at this point in time, so I kept it a secret. At first after being discovered, the idea of divorce had crossed my mind. I started doing research about it, trying to find the local divorce lawyers around here and seeing what my options were. But 2 days ago, Sara took me back. I never did leave the house, except to go to work, and yet I didn’t know what I really wanted. The night we were caught, Sara asked me if I was leaving. In all honesty, I said no right off the bat because I didn’t know where I was going to go if I did leave. I didn’t have money for a hotel and everyone else I knew I could have stayed with lived too far away. Long story short, when I say Sara took me back, she stopped cutting me off. We had sex and it sealed the deal with me. I knew at that time that Sara wasn’t going to do everything she could to destroy me or make my life hell. She wanted to work things out with me. I’ve got to admit that I’m still not quite sure what to do, but Sara wants to work through it and Iam going to try to do the same.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I met up with Rachel over my lunch break today and told her goodbye properly. I told her how sorry I was to let things to the way that they did. I told her how sorry I was that I broke my promise to always protect her and our friendship. I told her how amazing of a person she is. I told her that I would always remember her. I figured that even though we made a mistake, we were still friends and I owed it to her and to me to do this right. There are so many things still left unsaid between myself and Rachel, but I wanted to at least provide some level of closure for the both of us so that we could more easily move on and heal from this experience. I wanted to do something right during this whole thing. I figured it wouldn’t be fair to Sara for me not to be able to work on our marriage if I was always thinking about Rachel. I know I will still think of Rachel and love her like the little sister I’ve adopted her to be, but I need to remain focused on doing everything I can to promote the healing in my marriage. If I’m going to give it a shot then I need to give it the best one I can.
I want to say that goodbye is never easy to say. I do believe that sometimes goodbye can be a second chance. It can give the opportunity for change. In my situation, goodbye with Rachel is the chance for me to really give it my all with Sara. I love Sara enough to at least try my best. What’s the point if you don”t? In this case, goodbye is a second chance for both myself and for Rachel. It’s a second chance to evaluate our lives. It’s a chance to get healed of everything in our lives that led up to this. It’s a chance to move forward without these extra blocks stopping us. If we both take this seriously, then we can be that much better off in our personal lives. We both have a lot to work through and sometimes…..sometimes we need a wake up call to get a hold of us. What more of a wake up call than saying goodbye to your best friend.