February 14, 2012
army, choices, decisions, feelings, friend, letters, Life, Story, thoughts, understanding
It’s been a while. Far too long in fact, but some things are meant to change, no matter how we feel about them…
You left and went your own way as we all did after high school. Your choices changed you, as all of ours did at that time. But when you returned, you were different. I tried to talk to you, but it wasn’t nearly the same. I guess the infantry will do that to a man. You know I can’t relate to you like I used to. You saw things that no one else did and no one else could even imagine without first hand experience.
I remember the first time you returned. Five times in the first thirty minutes you asked me how I was and what was knew. The conversation kept dying because I had nothing new. You left and I stayed here, where, as you know, nothing happens or changes. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep it going and I know you didn’t expect me to be able to. I used to know you, but now I don’t even recognize you anymore. I miss you man. I really did. When I told you I would always be here for you, I meant it. I still mean it and always will. Life happens and people change and grow in different directions. It’s inevitable. There’s no way around it.
Having said that, I want to say that I’m proud of you for choosing the path you did. Thank you for making that choice to defend our freedom. Thank you for fighting for your country, your friends, and your family. I know you’ve barely told me anything that you’ve been through in the middle east, but after listening to what you told me, I know it couldn’t have been easy. I also know that your decision has deeply affected the relationships you had prior to your leaving…
I’m not sure if you’ll ever see this, but I feel that I had to get it out. Thank you again for everything you’ve done. Know that I miss you and what we had years ago. Know also that I’m proud of you.
December 20, 2011
chances, choices, decisions, friend, goodbye, letters, Life, Pain, thoughts, understanding
Hey… It’s been a while since we’ve talked. I miss you. You were a good friend to me. Why did it have to end that way? I called, but you were gone. I tried to find you, but you didn’t want to be found, not by me, not by anybody… I told you that I would always be there for you and I still would be.
Things are different now since last we spoke. I’m married now and have three kids. I life has continued and I have grown up a lot. I often wonder where you are and where you went. How are you? What happened in your life? Did you ever get married like you wanted to? Did you ever find your happiness? I know you told me that I would never understand what you had been through and I never doubted you. I just wish that you would have allowed me to try to understand what small part of it that I could. My life was hard and yours was harder.
I never told you this before, but I really looked up to you. You were the big sister I always wanted, but never had. I felt safe with you like I did with no one else. I trusted you like I never was able to trust before. I know that you never meant to hurt me when you ran away and I know that if you got the idea in your head to do so that there would be no stopping you. I also know that you wouldn’t have told anyone that you would be leaving so that they didn’t try to stop you. I guess you and I aren’t that different in that regard. I just wanted to say that I wouldn’t have tried to. All I wanted was for you to be happy, safe, and ok. I was saddened because you didn’t even let me say goodbye. No warning, just nothing. We had even talked a couple of days earlier and you promised me that we would talk again soon. I cried, Amanda… My heart broke into too many pieces to count and into too small of shards to put them back together again. It’s ok though. I learned from that experience that life isn’t fair. No matter where you or what you’re doing with your life, know that I still care and still think of you from time to time.
The reason I’m writing this to you is more for me that you I suppose. I know that you’ll probably never find this and I wonder of you would know it was for you if you did. I’m writing this for me. I’ve hung on to this for far too long and feel the need to get this out. You are missed and prayed for. Please take care of yourself. Goodbye my friend.