Life After Leaving……

July 21, 2011

scatteredpeicesofme Origins , , , , , , , , , , 4 Comments

I left my parent’s house for good!  Not only did I not want to go back, but it was now legally impossible.  I was 18, my sister was 17, and my little brother was 9.  I was not allowed to be within 500 feet of either one of them as they were minors and I was an adult until a formal investigation was performed.  That also meant that I couldn’t talk to most of my friends as they were a year younger than me and I couldn’t tell them why.  My understanding is that I had to be reported and during the course of that investigation, my father would be discovered and another investigation would be launched his direction.  I guess my dad stayed at home that night and left the next day to make everything look better for him through the impending events.

One detail that I forgot to mention was that my brother was at camp at the time.  He was only going to be gone for a week, but when he got home, he discovered that both my father and myself were no longer living there and that he couldn’t have any contact with either one of us.  He also wasn’t told why, but just that he could see or talk to us.  What a surprise for a 9-year-old.  Leave and everything’s alright.  Come back and everything’s completely fallen apart.

Anyway, I left the house and had no permanent place of residence for about 4 months or better.  I was made homeless by the state.  I didn’t have enough money to get my own place so I found myself bouncing around a lot.  A few nights here, a week here, nothing was stable anymore.  I lived out of my car.  I had no other option.  When I got somewhere I had no clue how long I could stay there so I never unloaded any more than necessary.  There were several places that I was able to stop for what I thought was the night, only to find out after I settled in as much as possible, that there was going to be a minor under the same roof and I had to leave.  I can’t tell you how many times I found myself driving around at 12 am looking for a place to sleep.  I was always running and could do nothing about it.

I went through numerous interviews with DCFS regarding what had happened and they all were sceptical about my side of the story.  I was ordered to attend counseling by their counselors in order to “get better”.  I did it and found that I hated it.  They never listened to me and as I provided what each person was looking for I was passed onto another one for some purpose or another.  I got so sick of repeating myself over and over again only to have no one actually want to help me.  They were out to gather information and put a case together.  It looked like for a while there that I was going to be taking a polygraph test.  Thank God that never actually happened.

A couple of months after DCFS was notified so were the police.  I was nearly arrested, but thanks to my lawyer, I had to option to turn myself in instead.  The police were convinced I was a flight risk as I worked out-of-state.  They wanted to pick me up at the border as I was on my way to work the day before I was informed that they even knew anything about me.  I turned myself in and my mom bailed me out for $2,000.  Then my court case started.  It drug out for 10 months and they were trying to pin me with Criminal Sexual Assault.  That’s a felony, punishable by 4 to 15 years in the state pen and having to register as a sex offender for 20 years.

During my case, my lawyer himself was arrested for tax evasion and I was presented with a new lawyer, to whom I had to share everything yet again.  He believed me!  I was shocked!  He read the interviews with my sister and father and he believed me!  Just that thought alone was amazing!  He was the only one besides Sara who did.  When he presented my case before the judge, the judge believed me too!  But the state’s attorney was up for re-election and didn’t want to be seen as easy on crime so he couldn’t let the case drop.  The judge pushed for it for months, but it was not to be dropped.  See, the county that I lived in is full of small towns and it was the biggest story around!  Too many eyes were on him to just let it go.  His career could have ended pretty quickly if he had done so.  Long story short (believe it or not I have shortened it a lot), I was convicted of a misdemeanor battery charge to keep me from needing to register, but still requiring me to serve 2 years probation.  I remember at my sentencing, the judge looked at me and said, “This is a tragic story of how a single parent can affect the lives of both of his children while only abusing one of them.”  That was the end of the court case and a month later, Sara and I got married.

Our wedding was small as most of my friends didn’t understand why I had to cut them from my life for the time.  What was supposed to be temporary turned permanent.  I had almost no one but Sara left.  Nearly everyone abandoned me during everything and several did their best to turn everyone else against me too.  With that much hurt and that many fresh wounds, it probably was not the best time to begin a marriage.

I’m sorry that this turned into to very long blogs, but I had to get some of this out there.  I will be referencing some of this in future posts when explaining myself and my current state of mind and pain.  The background story is still effecting me today and influences my current situation.  There were a lot of things that led up to my marriage going the way it has that needed to be shared.

Growing Up In My Family……

July 21, 2011

scatteredpeicesofme Origins , , , , , , , , , , 4 Comments

I know I briefly mentioned a thing or two about my childhood in “What Happened?”, but I’m going to go into more detail tonight.

I can’t really say that I had a happy childhood.  I know that it wasn’t nearly as bad as so many other people I’ve met in my life, but it still left me with a lot of emotional scars that I still am working through and I think played a big part in the drifting apart between Sara and myself and the events with Rachel.

My father and I were always at odds with each other.  He was always down my throat for something or another.  I never understood most of it.  I knew I deserved it when I could point to something that I had done wrong, but most of the time it just left me in a very confused state of mind and I really couldn’t understand what was wrong with me.  I learned after I moved out that my father was excessively rough with me (sharp jolts, squeezing me until I was screaming, spankings, and pretty much anything to show dominance over me) as an infant.  That began to explain why I was always so scared of him.  I could never remember being physically beat, but I was always so scared of him being around and I think the way that he treated me played a huge part.  He was verbally volatile towards me on a regular basis.  I remember his most popular speech to me was how little I paid attention to him and his wishes.  I swear after each time he told me that I would try my hardest to listen to him and do what he asked, but he was never clear on his instructions.  They always went over my head.  If I asked for clarity, he told me I was stupid.  If I tried to figure it out what I was supposed to be doing as I tried to go about the task at hand and screwed up, there was always an hour+ speech about how worthless I was and how if I couldn’t grasp such simple things I would never get anywhere in life, because “That’s how the world works.  You’ll get chewed up and shit out like a blade of grass if you can’t get this through your sorry-ass head of yours.  What are you thinking?”.  <– Sorry.  I trailed off there….

I was homeschooled from Pre-K through highschool.  Most of the time I didn’t mind it because I knew nothing different.   We moved around a lot so in a way it was good not changing schools all of the time.  I still found myself making new friends all of the time, but it wasn’t at school, for I didn’t attend like everyone else I knew.  My parents chose that route because they were the typical ultra-conservative “Save our children’s minds from the world” type people.  The only thing I really had a problem with was that they didn’t feel comfortable ever talking about anything they didn’t want to talk about.  Sex, for one.  Anytime the topic was raised the yelling and screaming began.  It was always presented to me that “Such things are not to be worried about until you’re older, wiser, and married.  Until that time, you have no business even thinking about it.”  I remember the first time I asked about it, really wanting to know and understand, I was 9.  I remember that what he told me made me feel rejection on a level I didn’t understand.  It was a rejection of thought and of me.  I wanted so badly to understand my actions and thoughts about the subject.  If you’ve read “What Happened?” then you’ll remember me mentioning my relationship with my sister.  If you haven’t, let me explain…..

My father sexually molested my sister from about the time she was 5 or 6 until she was 16 or so and from 7 until 10 she was molested by a neighbor.  About the time she was 7 she approached me and started acting out what she learned from those 2 “teachers” on me.  I honestly don’t remember the first several times anything between us happened.  I just remember it quickly becoming a way of life.  When I was about 13 I stopped enjoying it and remember pushing for her to stop coming into my room at night, jumping on top of me, and basically forcing me to please her however she wanted me to.  It turned from a mutual endeavour into her molesting me at her will.  Until that time her and I were close.  We did everything together and I looked out for her, but after that I grew to resent her in the depths of my being.  The problem was, I was addicted and I hated myself so much for it.  I remember my father taking me out for supper, just me and him, and I’ll admit, that night, he tried.  He opened up himself up to me and told me that on that night, I could ask him anything and he would answer any question I had.  I wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t I wanted to ask what was wrong with me and why I was doing the things I was, but I couldn’t.  I couldn’t trust him enough to get the words out.  I was still getting my ass handed to me on a daily basis and had no idea if he was serious or not.  I wanted to believe that he was, but I couldn’t convince myself that he really meant it…..

Skip forward a couple of years.  It was a Thursday.  I was 18 years old, hadn’t done anything with my sister for about 6 months, and knew I wanted and needed help.  I confided in a family friend the events of the past 10 years.  I had no idea about anything else that happened except with my sister and me.  I told her that I wanted to find a counselor, but didn’t want my family to know about it.  I had no idea who to turn to and she said she would help me.  I’ve told her numerous things in the past and I could always trust her that if she wasn’t going to tell, then she wouldn’t.  She was close to my sister as well and was already planning on having her over that night for supper and whatever else they did together, arts and crafts or something.  My friend said that she was going to get some information from my sister that night that could help her understand what happened to better help me in my search for help.  My sister confided in her also, so it wouldn’t be hard to pry some information out of her without her knowing what it was really about.

Later that night, I remember getting a call from my friend stating that I NEEDED to get my mom and make it over to her house.  I asked what happened and she just stated, “It’s bigger then you think.  Your parents are going to find out about you 2 tonight and if you don’t tell her, then I will”.  I had no idea what was happening, but I knew that if she didn’t have to share anything then she wouldn’t.  I trusted her judgement entirely.  I got my mom and said that we were going to pick up my sister and that I would explain on the way and indeed I did.  My mom was shocked and completely speechless after I told her until we arrived at my friend’s house.  I remember walking through the front door and finding my way to the kitchen.  I was shocked to find that it wasn’t just the 4 of us.  There was another family friend, whom I didn’t trust so much, present.  My sister was on the other side of the table in tears.  I found out that night about my father and his actions.  From my understanding, when my sister was asked a few questions, she spilled the beans, all of them!  They then proceeded to call the other lady that was there as she has done some social work in the past and would know what to do.  I was told that I was going to be reported to the Department of Children and Family Services.  That it would be best for the whole family that way.  I was so upset, but also pissed off at my family that I actually didn’t care, especially once I found out that it meant I wasn’t going to be able to live under my parents roof for a long time.

We all went home and my father was called.  Our friend who was once a social worker came along.  My father was called home from work and he was pissed because he wasn’t told why, but that he needed to get back as soon as possible.  We were in our dining room when my father got home.  He was about to yell about his inconvenience when he saw the other lady there.  He was informed that life was not going to be the same after that night and what was going to happen.  I remember after we talked about it for about an hour or so, my mom when to the phone and reported my actions.  I had already had my bags packed anyway because the night before my parents found out that I was having sex with Sara.  They had tried to give me an ultimatum.  I was leaving to “Be my own man” or I was breaking up with her by the weekend.  I was already planning on leaving, just not that same night.  So I grabbed my bags and left.  It was at that time about 2:30 in the morning.  I went to a friend’s house who just knew I needed a place to crash for the night.  That was the last night I spent at my parent’s house as a teenager.  My life was different now…….

Transparent Me…..

July 20, 2011

scatteredpeicesofme Origins , , , , , , , , , , 6 Comments

I’ve been thinking again. (Oh God, here it comes!  Another rant)  Over the last few days I’ve received a number of comments speaking about my honesty and how inspiring it is.  I have been overwhelmed by the number of responses regarding that and it pushes me.  It pushes me in a good way to remain open and honest.  When times come that make me want to paint this whole picture of Rachel and myself in the best light for me as possible, those comments keep me moving forward in telling what actually happened.

Have I lied?
Absolutely not!  The names have been changed, but that’s for the purposes of keeping those who need to remain nameless, nameless.  Plus it gives me the ability to talk about the different parties involved without describing who I’m talking about each time.  All of the details are accurate.

Have I negated parts of the story at times?
Yes…..

Why?
Because either I wasn’t ready to share those parts of my life, or I was nervous about what a bunch of people I don’t personally know would think of me because of it all.

I’ve really thought about that last point last night and today especially.  The point of my blog is to put everything out there as soon as I feel able and ready to.  Although I’m not entirely sure I want these details posted for all of the world to see, I’m going to tell a new part of the story for you, the readers who can relate, the readers who have shared your stories with me, and the readers who have mentioned that I have been an inspiration to you.  This is me being honest and transparent.

The night everything happened I have told you about, but what happened afterwards is another story.  A couple 2 or 3 days past since Rachel and I were discovered by Sara and I was hurting.  I knew Rachel was too and I knew she was alone and had no one to really talk to about what happened.  I searched for her on a not so widely used social networking site and happened to find her.  After contacting her that way we created entirely new accounts on that site, under false names to keep from being discovered, and have been talking every few days since then.  I started this blog right after I saw her that time at the pond.  The initial thought to start this was to allow her to keep informed about what was happening with me if and when we had to completely cut ties.  After the first post or so, that was still a major reason, but it wasn’t the sole reason.  It transformed in me to tell my story for others to learn from and realize that they aren’t alone with their struggles and shortcomings.  So yes, she does read this blog, and from my understanding, on a regular basis.

Do I still talk to her?
Yes.  Not nearly as often as I used to.  We used to talk all of the time, but now it’s a message or two every couple of days on average.  We used to talk all of the time over texts, email, phone, in person.  She used to almost live here and on the weekends she pretty much did.

Do I still see her?
Not on a regular basis.   I saw her that first time at the pond and once since then.  I’ll post about the last time later, but both times were less than an hour-long visit.

I know I still have a lot to tell and spill, but this was a big one for me.  Give me some time to get past this and I’ll tell more.

This is me just being honest……

Rumors

July 18, 2011

scatteredpeicesofme Origins , , , , , , , , , , , , , 6 Comments

I got thinking again today.  Lately I wonder if I think way too much…..

Several months ago, in January, I was pulled aside by a very close friend of mine and asked why I was having an affair with Rachel.  I was floored.  At that time we hadn’t even gotten that close yet!  I seriously could not believe my ears!  I asked her where she had heard that information.  She told me that it was EVERYWHERE!  Come to find out that it started with one of my roommates from the last place we lived in.  I believe that I mentioned that we lived with a couple before getting our current place.  It was (at the time) a mutually beneficial arrangement for numerous reasons not to be worried about now.  Anyway, the last few months of our lease, myself and Charity fought a lot.  I didn’t trust her and couldn’t understand anything that drove her to make the decisions that she did and for some reason she hated me.  I could never figure out why and she never told me.

Back to the topic at hand.  Charity had started, before we even parted ways, and before I ever even met Rachel mind you, that I was sleeping around.  She had half of the little town that she lived in and I go to church in believing that rumor months before I ever heard about it!  In December we had a Christmas concert that my church was a part of and I was playing in it.  Well, Rachel came with me and then all of a sudden everyone had a face to place to the rumors.  My name was nearly ruined because of it all.  I fought so hard to get my name back and after a short month I heard nothing further about it and enough people finally believing me, Sara, and Rachel that nothing had every happened!

Why did I share this?  As the months past and Rachel and I did make our mistake, I’m really scared to let anyone actually find out about it.  The way everyone took the rumor and distorted it when it hadn’t actually happened leads me to question what would happen if they found out that it actually happened months later?  My family and myself would need to move from the area for sure!  Of that I have no doubt in my mind.  Not to mention, how many people would think I lied about it the first time?  How many more people would try to destroy what little I have left there?

Like I said, maybe I find myself thinking too much, but I can’t find the off switch in the back of my head…..

A Little History Lesson

July 16, 2011

scatteredpeicesofme Origins , , , , , , 4 Comments

I remember when I was 18 years old.  I was a year and half out of high school and had never dated anyone before, but I was set on getting a girlfriend (yea, there’s a good way to start a relationship….).  My parents had always told me that dating was the path to marriage and that dating should be saved for when you are old enough and ready for a wife.  Well, I wasn’t ready for a wife, but I felt that I was old enough to have someone in my life in that manner.  So I started looking, not quite knowing how to go about it, but I figured that if I showed an interest in someone and it was returned that it was something I would pursue.

Halloween came around and I found myself at a party with a few friends of mine.  There was this girl.  Her name was Matte  She was amazing and downright sexy.  She was dressed in full vampire garb and kept talking to me all night long.  She wasn’t hiding any interest in me (I would have missed it otherwise, given how dense I was to dating and relationships) and I found it incredibly easy to just be around her.  We traded phone numbers and started talking.  Needless to say, when my parents found out about it, it didn’t go over so well.  Dad was working second shift at that time and wasn’t home when I told mom.  She had asked who I was talking to for so long and I told her about Matte.  She flipped out.  I had never seen her so upset before in my life and that’s saying something.  My parents were always fighting about something so I’ve seen her quite upset numerous times, but not like this.  A little while later I went upstairs to my room as I had to get up at 5:30 in the morning for work.  Dad came home around 2 like usual.  My parents woke me up around 2:30 as they came screaming up the stairs towards my room.  I remember my dad throwing my door open, waking up my brother (we shared a room) and my sister (whose room was on the other side of the wall)  in the process, and announcing to me that I was to wake up and have a talk with them.  I remember telling him that it was late and that I would do it tomorrow, but when his voice raised about 30 decibels, I figured that if I didn’t go with them then no one was getting any sleep that night.  I went downstairs and sat down on the couch.  My dad started with this unforgettable statement.  “It appears that you don’t respect our right to make the rules around here, so since you’re a big man, I’ve decided not to respect your right to sleep!”  Anyway, a good 2.5 hours later, and after many attempts to stay awake during his speech, he decided that I was too disrespectful to listen as I wasn’t intrigued enough by his never-ending wisdom to stay awake.  I went to bed for the last 45 minutes of my overnight nap and went to work an hour later.  This happened everyday for a few weeks, until, as it would happen, Matte and I broke up anyway.  A few months later when I started dating Sara, I knew that I couldn’t be so foolish to just announce that to the world yet again.  This time it took them about 3 months for them to figure out that I had another girlfriend and the same thing started all over again.  About 3 times a week for 4 or 5 months, I was scared awake and brought downstairs for more infinite words of wisdom.  After months of dealing with that I decided that it was high time that I left the house and that was the only thing that would allow me to get any rest.

As I think about all of this, I wonder, how much did all of this effect my marriage?  As soon as we announced that we were getting married, the were on board with us.  “?”  Huh?  Like that made any sense….. I do wonder though, how much did I make the decision to marry Sara because I was trying to get back at them for how they treated me?  And how much more did I stay with her, because they finally supported me in something?  Questions…..

Yea, aren’t these great things to be thinking about on my wedding anniversary?  I’m a real winner that way…..

What Happened?….. Part 2

June 28, 2011

scatteredpeicesofme Origins , , , , , Leave a comment

And then I met Rachel.  We had just moved into our current place and I had a friend over for the weekend.  He said that she didn’t know anyone in the area and had just moved here less than 2 months ago for school.  I told him that I didn’t care since I’m always game to meet new people.  He gave her a call to make sure that it was ok before we picked her up.  I remember picking her up and seeing how nice she was, but she was also shy.  Sara is also pretty shy around people she doesn’t know so it didn’t bother me any.  I like shy people.  I’m a bit shy myself, to a point.  Anyway, my buddy had used my cell phone to give her a call so I had her number that way.  I became Facebook friends with her and she said it was ok to text her and to use her number to get a hold of her.  After a few weeks we started talking a lot and really getting to know each other.  Rachel and Sara didn’t hit it off right away.  Something I have learned is that if you put 2 shy people in the same room, it’s a very quite meeting.

Anyway, Rachel and I got close.  We became such good friends!  I couldn’t have asked for a better friend and I even considered her my little sister.  She was family.  I found it easy to talk to her.  She cared about me like a true sister should and in ways that I never got from my real family.  She honestly cared for me so truly and so deeply and the feelings were entirely mutual.  She had self-esteem issues that I could relate to and had started to make progress in.  I did everything I could to try to build her up and help her see that she really was worth so much.  It was one of my goals to see her blossom and bloom!  I wanted more than anything else in our relationship to see her take life and run with it!  I wanted to see her free of all of those things that were holding her back.  I didn’t understand what it was that had caused it, but I wanted to help and she began to let me.

I remember one night in particular.  Rachel sat me down and told me that she had something to tell me.  She it was personal and she considered it a gift and she wanted me to treat it as such.  She told me her story.  I was overwhelmed by the words that came out of her mouth.  Her mother was a member of the clergy and her father in the medical field.  They very emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive towards her.  They also drank, a lot.  And when they drank they got worse.  My ears couldn’t believe how such a sweet girl could be taken advantage of like that.  She also proceeded to tell me how several male members of her family, immediate and extended, had sexually molested, abused, and even raped her.  I couldn’t believe it!  And when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, she dropped the big one on me.  She was also dying from a uncurable disease.  My heart just broke.  I remember feeling very numb as she told me all of this.  I also remember feeling very protective over her.  I didn’t want anyone to hurt her anymore and wanted to give her the world after she finished telling me so many of the details of her life.  It hurt to hear that Rachel went through so much and honestly didn’t feel like anyone cared.

After I heard Rachel’s story, it stirred something in me.  I became very protective, because I didn’t want to see anyone ever beat her down again!  I knew that we both had a lot of work to do to work through some of the things that she told me and I wanted to ensure that none of the work that we put into it was going to be wasted or set aback by anyone else’s carelessness.  She was my little sister and I was going to protect her damn it!…..

What happened?…..

June 27, 2011

scatteredpeicesofme Origins , , , , , 2 Comments

I’m really not sure where to begin with this one.  This last week has been very difficult for me.  The beginning of the week was depressing and it ended even worse…..

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and realizing that I’m really not healthy in any way shape or form.  I’ve been asking questions like why did I get here with a wife and 3 kids and I really don’t like the answers I give to those questions.  Let me just tell you my story…..

I was raised in a very emotionally and sexually abusive household, and as it would seem to be the norm nowadays.  My father married my mother to spite his girlfriend who made him very mad and left him, but thought that he would come running back to her.  They had done this for a while and had even tried to get pregnant together.  There’s a good start….  Anyway, he found that after a few years that he really wasn’t happy with the way things were going, especially since he didn’t marry my mom for the right reasons.  He found one day that he was very unhappy, but tried to push through it all anyway to make it work for the kids.  We traveled the world as quite a few military families do and eventually found our way back stateside.  We lived in California for about 10 years where my dad got out of the military and started his own business with a friend.  That worked for a while but then we lost everything, business, house, everything.  We eventually made our way back to the place that my dad grew up in because there was work here.  After a few years of being back in the area, he happened to run into his old girlfriend someplace randomly.  They started talking and eventually they started sleeping together for what sounds like quite a few years.  Ok, so that’s one layer.  Let’s add another.

When my sister was about 4 my dad started to molest and rape her.  This happened until she was about 15 or 16 years old.  When she was about 6 years old she started to take what she learned from my father and using it towards me.  I didn’t know what was happening and I was interested to learn.  My sister and I fooled around (never actually had sex) until she was 16 and I was 17.  I developed a very interesting view about how the family was supposed to work during all of this.  Let’s add yet another layer, shall we?

I lived in an ultra-conservative, and overly critical household.  My father and I never really got a long for most of my childhood.  We had some good times, but on the whole we fought a lot.  He was always happy to inform me that I wasn’t worth much, that I didn’t pay attention, listen, or that I was an all around screw up.  I hated my father and was suicidal during most of my teenage years.  Starting to shed some light?

I met my wife when I was 18 years old.  My parents hated the fact that I was dating anyone.  They had this idea that I wasn’t supposed to start dating until I was on my own with a job and house, you know, ready to support a family.  Sara was my first serious relationship.  She pushed to get married and so after a year and a half I married her.  A year and a half later, we had a baby boy.  11 months later we had another baby boy.  Shortly after that, I lost my job and had to go look for work.  I had heard that 2 1/2 hours away, where a friend of mine had recently moved to, there was lots of work to be had.  I thought I would go check it out before I moved the whole family that far with no certainty.  Long story short, I was separated from my family for about 4 months.  I found a temporary place to live and was able to get my family to me and about 2 months later I found us a home and shortly after we had our third baby boy.  That was 3 years ago.

Now that you know a chunk of my story, let me break it down.  I married my wife because I didn’t feel like I could find anyone else who would accept me.  I had such a low self-esteem that I thought I should take the first one who would listen to me and accept me.  She wanted kids so bad and even though there were a few times that I could imagine having kids, I didn’t really want them.  I was trying to do everything that I could to make her happy.  Like I said, I didn’t think I could find anyone else and so I tried to do anything I could to keep her.  Everything I’ve done since I met her was to try to make her happy and in the end have felt myself lacking what I want and need.  Because of all of this I’ve really not known how to really talk to her about what I feel and what I need…..

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 213 other followers