September 11, 2001 Remembered

September 11, 2011

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It was a day that we could all think back to.  It was a day that if asked, you could always remember exactly what you were doing when you heard the news.  It was a day that started like any other…

Let us never forget what happened on September 11th, 2001.  Like Pearl Harbor and the Assassination of John F. Kennedy was to their generations, we will always have September 11th.  It will be easy to remember the general idea of what happened, but let not the individual stories die.  On this, the 10th anniversary of the tragedy in New York, Washington, and Pennsylvania, I choose to remember the individual that suffered on that day.  Remember their stories and never forget the sacrifice of the individuals our country was forced to make that day.

Clarity From The Cloudy Mind (The Stutter)

August 24, 2011

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Last night, life hit me in the face. Last night, I got thinking about everything. Last night, I stuttered…

This may not seem like much to some, but let me give you a little bit more about me to go off of. I have always tried my best to communicate clearly. If asked something important, I will take my time with my response because I want to make sure that I am very clear and precise with the message I want to give. I want to make sure that I say exactly what I mean to say and there’s little, if any, confusion. In my poetry, even when I speak in abstracts, the message and point to be made is still clear, especially when you understand the root of where I’m coming from at that moment. *BTW, if there are ever any questions about a piece that I’ve written, just ask. I’m not afraid to shed some light on the thought processes behind anything I publish. Just ask.* But last night, I stuttered and it broke me. I had no idea what to make of that and it scared me worse than I’ve ever been scared before. I never stutter! Audible, yet indistinguishable sounds left my mouth and throat in an attempt to speak with clarity, but to no avail.

Last night, I had a panic attack. Last night, I found that I was locked up within myself and had no way out. I’ve never experienced something like that ever before. I’ve been worked up, but never like that. I was alone in my house, on the phone with a friend, just talking things through. I was trying to make sense of everything and it just hit me. Everything overwhelmed me all at once. I began to hyperventilate for about 20 to 30 minutes and I almost passed out. My speech was affected and I couldn’t form words nearly at all. I can deal with the waves of emotion and pressure that came with that, but losing the ability to speak was too much to handle. I will say this though: From the cloudy state my mind was in came a single nugget of understanding with absolute clarity. Everything that has taken place in my life over the past several months, even before Rachel and I were caught, has proven to be too much and it’s going to start to affect me even more if I don’t make the hard decisions and soon.

Last night, I stuttered, and it scared the shit out of me…..

 

Trust

July 13, 2011

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This is something that I wasn’t going to even talk about, but it’s eating me up even more than I thought I would……

Last night I was at a friend’s house working on the computer that they use for the business that they run.  I provide for them a service that includes maintenance, updating needed programs, and backing up of their system.  I had let them know a few days prior that I was going to be stopping by this week, to which they told me that it was perfectly fine.  When I got there yesterday I called and let them know that I was there, but they weren’t home and didn’t answer the phone.  I’ve got a deal worked out they let me know where the spare key is so I can get in to take care of everything if they aren’t there.  Anyway, as I’m getting ready to leave, Dave came in and we started talking about everything, and just before I left he had asked what I was doing there.  I have to admit that it threw me off, but he’s been overly busy so it might have slipped his mind.  I told him what I was doing, but that’s when it got interesting.  He told me that he saw me thumbing through their papers and files by the tv and wanted to know what I was doing.  He got on a soapbox talking about his privacy and such.  I was thrown aback!  He has never accused me of snooping and I never have!  I respect them far too much to invade their privacy like that!  They are like loving parents to me!  I’ve only ever tried to help them out as much as I can!  I told everything that I had done and that I had moved a couple of papers that were in my way when I first got started (nowhere near the tv) and while everything was working I had found a magazine by the tv that was open to an article about Google.  I had picked it up and started looking through it a little.  A magazine……WTF?????  Nothing related to their business or even anything personal!  He nodded his head and said, “Huh, ok…..”  He said it like I was 5 years old!  I couldn’t believe my ears!  His whole attitude was accusing me to my core and I’ve never done anything to deserve that from him!  Needless to say, I never stopped by tonight.  I called him when I got off of work to say that I was going to be heading over there if he was available, but he never returned my call.  His whole attitude towards me hurt so bad.  I never saw that coming.  I’ve been going over there as their friend for almost 3 years and have been providing this service to them for over a year now.  Where did this come from?  What did I do?????  The next time I see him I’m going to confront him about it, with total respect, but with conviction.  I have to call him on it!  I can’t just let this be.  This is the last thing I needed at this time in my life.  I really hope it goes ok the next time I talk to him, otherwise I’m not sure what will happen, but I know this for sure: How can I be around people or even really talk to them if they don’t believe me or even trust me?  How is that even possible?  Dammit……

Forever Misplaced

July 8, 2011

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So today was an ok day.  Work was work and everything else was kind of blah.  Towards the end of the day though, a wave of emotion just hit me hard.  It hit me again that I’ll never be friends with Rachel again.  Forget the affair, forget everything about the physical connection we had.  She was my dear friend and I’ll never get that back.  I got caught up in the moment with her and destroyed what we had, a beautiful friendship between two people who really honestly cared for each other in a way that most people can only dream about.  It was the friendship that everyone is searching for.  It was nothing to stop and listen to her and she returned the favor many times over.  In fact, she taught me what it really meant to stop, listen, and really be there for me when I just needed someone to listen and not criticize, critique, or beat me down for not saying things that sounded right or even politically correct.  She taught me what it meant to really show someone you love them in a relationship.  I will never be the same in my close relationships.  I can’t!  She taught me what it meant to really just show love to people (love does not equal sex).  She was one of my greatest examples to follow.  Rachel was my sister.  Neither one of us ever really had close siblings that we could turn to.  We were family.  I adopted her into my life and wanted to do everything I could to take care of her in any way that I could, listening, giving her rides places, buying her things that she needed if she would let me (lol), and the like.  She was my sister and because of the way I handled things between us, I misplaced my role in that relationship.

I want to make myself perfectly clear.  I’m not taking full responsibility for what happened.  I’m not stupid.  I know it takes two people to allow what happened to happen, but I’m also not responsible for her part in it, but only mine.  My role was not fulfilled in our relationship.  I lost sight of it towards the end.  I got distracted and allowed myself to set aside my part in that friendship. I did not honor her or Sara like I should have and as a result, one of my best friends is gone.

My sister and friend has been forever misplaced and it hurts so bad……

Dustpan please…..

June 29, 2011

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There’s something I’ve been thinking about lately and that is as follows: Why do I continue to trust people, mainly women, like I do?  It baffles me and I’m seriously stumped.  As I’ve gone through life, during the different stages of growing up and beyond I recall many of the experiences that I’ve had with women that have made a serious impact on me.  I’m not entirely sure how to move past some of those experiences and therefore I am starting to seek professional help.  I know some of them have been monumental to how I’ve arrived at where I am.  Let me share some of the most impacting, mainly hurtful, experiences with you…..

Over the course of my life, my heart has been ripped to shreds by numerous women.  Some I’ve felt close too, others, not so much.  I remember being very young, probably about 7 or so.  I remember I had a neighbor named Sarah (not my wife, mind you) and I remember that she was one of the few neighbor kids that my sister and I would go outside and play with.   She was 2 years older than me and I remember looking up to her.  I also remember feeling that we were pretty close friends.  Well, one April Fool’s Day I remember that Sarah came up to me and said in a very believable voice, “I’ve wanted to tell you something for a long time.  I really like you.  I want to know if you would be my boyfriend!”  She leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek.  I was ecstatic!  I had always liked her, but never felt like I could say anything to her, because her older brother was always there and he didn’t much care for me or my sister.  But not this time.  He was out with his friends and so I thought I could take this opportunity to really start to open up to her!  After a few minutes, Sarah asked me what I was thinking and what my answer was.  I told that I would love to be her boyfriend, at which time she punched me in the shoulder and started laughing uncontrollably chanting, “April Fool’s, April Fool’s!”  I remember being absolutely crushed.  It hurt a lot more than I ever wanted to admit…..

When I was about 9 years old, there was this girl name Chrystal.  She had just moved into the area and our parents had started to become pretty good friends.  A few months after we met we started talking about how much we really liked each other.  She gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me that she really liked me and hoped that we would always be friends and maybe one day get married.  I do realize that I was only 9, but I was also rejected by most kids so her saying those things to me felt really good.  I remember I kissed her on the cheek and told her that I really liked her a lot also.  About a year later she just stopped talking to me.  I called  her house several times and I always heard the same thing, that she was out with friends and that her parents would have her call me when she returned.  She never did.  She wasn’t my best friend, but she was one of my closest ones.  I don’t know what happened, but I remember feeling very rejected.

When I was about 13 years old, I hanging out with my friends at some function.  We were all sitting at a table eating supper when the topic came up about who we could see each other with.  We went around the table talking about who we could picture so and so hooking up with and when it got to me, one girl, Gena, piped up, “I don’t see you with anyone.  I don’t know how anyone could possibly ever love you enough to stay with you.”  I remember my heart sinking.  Everyone laughed and my turn was done……

When I was about 15 I became close friends with a girl about 2 years older than me.  Her name was Amanda.  She lived in a halfway house for troubled teens.  She had a rough background and because of that, I found it easy to talk to her about anything and most everything I had to say.  She looked out for me and took care of me around everyone else.  She shared things with me that no one else knew.  She trusted me and I trusted her.  We wrote letters and talked on the phone a lot.  I started to like her a lot and the feelings were mutual.  6 months or so later she moved out of the halfway house into a foster home.  She didn’t much like it but it was better than where she came from.  I remember the last time I saw her was at a graduation party for her.  She abandoned most of her friends and we hung out together for a while just talking about everything.  I remember that about a week afterwards I called her foster house and asked to speak with her.  Her foster mom said that Amanda had run away and that hadn’t heard anything from her in the last 2 days or so.  My heart was crushed.  I flooded her foster parent’s mailbox with tons of letters just in case she returned.  She never did and I never heard from her again.  I think the reason that this hurt the most was because I didn’t even get a goodbye.  She was my best friend and she just up and left.  I know  why she did, but I never got a goodbye or any form of closure.  It hurt so much.  She took my heart and ripped it away from me.

And then there’s Sara.  She and I met at a Halloween party at a mutual friend’s house.  We got very close in the months to follow and ended up getting married.  In the last year or so it’s been very difficult.  I’ve felt like she’s pulled away and hasn’t really wanted to be with me like she says.  She doesn’t want me to leave, but at the same time, it doesn’t feel like she wants me here.  Her words say one thing, but her actions say another…..  I remember several conversations in the last year or so, Sara has told me that she wishes I would try to charm her like I did while we were dating, but every time I try to do so, she just looks at me like I’m stupid and blows it off.  It’s has broken my heart so bad and every time I try to talk to her about it, I hear from her how she’s such a bad wife and how she’s failed so miserably and nothing gets accomplished.  She has ripped my heart into pieces and I’m so lost as to what to do with it……

And last but not least, there’s Rachel.  She never broke my heart, but I allowed it to be broken by how things went.  She was my best friend and when we separated I just felt like what tattered shreds were left of my once whole heart were ripped open and left exposed.  God this hurts so much.  I’m really not sure what to do with everything and so there’s only one thing left to say……

Could anyone please hold the dustpan while I make a feeble attempt at sweeping up what’s left of me?

Road Signs

June 18, 2011

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Ok so I’ve never done something like this before but after my life has been turned upside down, I feel that this could be something good and healthy for me.  I know I don’t know who will ever really read this, but if nothing else, I know that it’s posted for whoever to look at and therefore it gives me a voice to speak to anyone or everyone.

We’ve all made mistakes. Some worse than others, but here’s the kicker: it’s not about the mistakes we’ve made, but about what are we going to do afterwards.  Sometimes our mistakes are like road signs.  They let us know that things aren’t right, obviously, because we screwed up.  What caused us to screw up?  Poor choices?  Yes, that’s part of it, but how come we don’t think of things in life that help develop and shape our choice making abilities?  That’s what I’m facing now.  I’ve made a lot of poor choices over my life, but I never understood why.  There were so many things that helped develop my choice making patterns that I got to a point where I didn’t even know why I was choosing some of the choices I did.  This last week is a cumulation of quite a few poor choices and it hit me in the face.  The road signs in my life couldn’t be anymore evident and I would be a fool to ignore them.

This past week, I’ll admit, has been very difficult.  I’m going to be honest and transparent to whoever happens to be reading.  I had an affair.  I know that sounds bad, and I’m not trying to downplay it by any means, but hear me out.  I didn’t actually have sex.  Although it did get physical, no sex actually took place.  I did however have a full-blown affair with my emotions.  I loved Rachel.  She was my best friend and I screwed up.  She was young, beautiful, and hurting just like me.  It was easy to listen to her and even easier to talk to her.  I wanted to do everything I could to help her and be there for her.  My wife, Sara, loved her too.  They were beginning to get to be good friends.  Sara doesn’t open up to anyone very easily and she started to do so with Rachel and vise-versa. 

It all started a few months ago.  Rachel and I were beginning to really get to know each other.  She loved people.  She really did like to listen to people and everything about them in a way that I had never seen before.  She was a rare breed.  She also had a painful childhood and I found it easy to relate.  I loved her with all my heart.  She had low self-esteem, like me, and I wanted the world to help her get past that.  I understood what she was going through.  I had been there and had just started to understand and get past some of my own self-esteem issues.  I wanted more than anything to show her that she was worth much, much more than what she gave herself credit for.  I failed.  I failed in guarding myself.  When we became attached emotionally I found it very difficult for a while to control myself physically.  It happened slowly.  I want to stress that part.  It happened so slow that I didn’t see it coming when I should have.  I promised to always be there to protect her like my little sister and I failed to keep my end of the bargain.  I wanted to be there for her to help, but did not keep my distance where I should have.  We kissed.  That happened for a while before anything else started happening, but that was the start.  After the first time we felt each other up and even pleasured each other a couple of times, we started to talk about it and decided to back off.  My next mistake was while we were talking about where our boundaries between each other should be I did not push hard enough to keep the kissing out of it.  That was my fault.  She wanted to keep that part and I loved her and did not want to hurt her so I thought I could just watch myself to make sure it never went any further.  I couldn’t.  I tried and was not able to make that happen.  Our physical abstenity only lasted a few months at most and it started back up again. 

Anyway, a week and a half ago, we were getting physical again and Sara walked in on us.  She opened the door, saw what we were doing, and shut the door again.  I thought everything was over.  I thought my marriage was over and I didn’t know what was going to happen.  Rachel left quietly and about 20 minutes later Sara came back and started drilling me with questions about why and how long.  I really can’t blame her as I would have done the same thing.

Sara and I have worked a lot out as we have talked through so much.  She has an understanding that when an affair happens it’s not just the one person at fault, however it’s both.  She found out that I’ve been unhappy for a while because I didn’t feel like I could really talk to her.  I didn’t even realize how much I couldn’t talk to her until after she caught Rachel and I.  She has since forgiven me, but there is so much work to be done to gain her trust again.  Life will never be the same.  I also know that I lost one of my best friends because of my lack of personal boundaries.  I was afraid of hurting or losing Rachel as a friend, but it turns out that I did anyway.  I was forced to give her up to save my marriage.  It was a mistake.  A very painful and terrible mistake.

Long story short, this is the road sign that I’m staring at right now.  I’ve had a lot of time to think about what happened in me to allow things to progress the way they did and I am starting to be able to point to so many things that led me to this point.  I will get into those details later, but for now, I have work to do.  I have a lot of work to do on myself to make sure that this doesn’t happen again.  I have a lot of work to do on my marriage to repair it.  I have a lot of work to do to move past this and everything leading up to it. 

I’m an artist.  I love to write out my thoughts and feelings.  I’m also a musician and have been writing and playing a lot of music since all of this happened.  Once I get some of it recorded I will post it on YouTube, however you will not know it’s me because of name changes and such.  I wish for this blog to remain un-noticed by anyone whom I know in person.  That’s just me and that’s just how I feel it should be done to protect Sara and Rachel.

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