lackingunderstanding

When I started this blog about a year ago, I had a story to tell.  I had a purpose.  I needed a soapbox.  I found it.  My voice could not be silenced, no matter how several around me tried.  I gained a better understanding about what happened and I needed that.  Something aren’t meant to stay the same, but no matter how much happens and how much changes, one must learn to accept and grow from it.  I have lost so much and gained even more in the past year.

Recap of the last year:

I have lost the best friend I had.  God, that hurt.  She was always there for me.  I still think of her more often than I care to and I still love her deeply.  Rachel and I have not talked since October and I can’t say that we parted the way I would have liked to see, however it was needed for both of us.  Is there a point to continuing something that one knows is not only impossible to keep up, but also something that will not work out right in the end?  I dare say no.

We separated via email during a conversation about the future.  I remember thinking for the few days prior to us parting ways that we needed to end it.  We could not keep going like we were simply because it wasn’t promoting the health of our relationship or my attempts to give my marriage to Sara the best attempt that I could.  Then during that conversation the question was posed from Rachel, “What is going to happen with us?”  I was already beginning to think that way on my own and was also trying to find a way to bring it up to her, preferably in person, but I couldn’t lie to her.  I couldn’t find a way out of the question short of giving an answer at that moment.  I told her that we needed to call it quits and move on.  She asked when and I felt that since the cat was already out of the bag there was no use in postponing the inevitable, otherwise we would continue to push it off and it might never have happened.

Shortly thereafter I removed my MySpace account that I had created especially for communicating with her.  She panicked and sent me a few messages to my other MySpace account.  MySpace was the perfect site to talk secretively, because be honest, who actually uses MySpace anymore?  Her final message to me was one begging me not to delete the other account as it was her only way to contact me.  She was scared and I was too, so I kept it active for several months afterwards, but I refused to send anything back.  Within the last month, I have deleted that account and feel better about taking one more step to my future.  It has proven to be a struggle not having someone around me who really understands, but sometimes there comes a point when a season must come to an end.  Anything in excess, no matter how beneficial it may be for a time, is not healthy.

Sara and I have been doing better, but we are nowhere near out of the woods yet.  We are becoming less and less afraid to really be open about our feelings with each other, however we have a long way left to go.  I still don’t know if we are going to make it.  Instead of wondering if I can make it a few more weeks, now it’s come down to a few years.  Progress, no matter how small, is still progress.  I do feel that we have purchased time, but that is a double-edged sword.  If that time proves to be helpful for the reconstruction of our marriage, then I am grateful, however, if that time is just delaying what might ultimately happen anyway, then it will prove to have been even more damaging than an earlier separation.  The idea of potentially separating a few years down the road does scare me.  If only I knew whether or not we would make it, I could take action either way right now instead of waiting for a bigger mess.

I choose to wait because I need time for me.  I need time to make sure that I’m not rushing anything based merely off of a fear of what might happen.  It’s still up to us to decide what’s going to happen, however the decision to make this work must be agreed upon equally and acted out evenly, or else it will certainly fail.  I must make sure that I’m fully accepting of the consequences, both good and bad.  This isn’t an easy decision to make and it’s not one that should be treated lightly.  I do not intend to make any rash decisions, but rather slow down and attempt to make the most informed decision I can.

Lately you may have noticed that my posts are becoming less frequent.  It’s not because I have run out of things to talk about, but usually it’s because I have been rendered silent.  I start to write and desire to share, but after it comes out I usually feel that what I have written is best kept for me.  An internal thought and something personal to keep and grow from.  Am I hiding anything by doing so?  No, but rather the opposite.  I’m increasing my understanding of where I am, who I am, what’s going on with me, and where to go from here so that I can better judge my future course of action.  That boils down to a better ability to teach others in the future.  How can one teach if one does not know or hasn’t yet experienced?  I would submit that it is impossible to do so.

I do realize that this post is becoming a bit long and cumbersome, so I choose to end it and may continue it on a part 2 post following shortly.

Thank you all for all of your consistent support over this last year.  You guys are awesome!

Always me and no one else,
Scattered