I remain consistantly different
Shapped by the erosion of life
Chip away anything that is not to be
And all the while I will remain me

Not having someone to listen when you’re pissed
Not having someone to hold you when you’re sad
Not having someone to pick you up when you’re down

Sometimes the loneliest feeling is:

Not having someone there to share the happiest moments of your day with, especially when those moments are few and far between.

Download Square Garden by navigating to www.reverbnation.com/packrat31306 and selecting download or just listen to it on the Hear My Music page up top.

Happy Friday Ya’ll!

“But what you have isn’t worthless!
Take heed and see your value, regardless!
If you cannot see it yourself,
know that someone else sees your wealth!
And on the lowest of days,
let it shine and cut through your darkness!”

“Tis easy for you, the richest of all,
to say such a thing and yet watch us all fall.
But another great mock
hurled towards this lost flock
from such venomous lips.
It is bullshit, oh sir, that I call!”

“INSOLENT ROGUE!  To your pain you’re betrothed!
Tis no mystery you wander alone!
With such tightly locked teeth
you trample thousands beneath
and care not for the spirit trying to help!
You bite the good hand and take not the bone!”

——

There are people who are married to misery and that marriage, that bond, can be the hardest to break.

How high must one reach
To touch the invisible bar
Set by those who believe
That you can touch those
Once though untouchable

How much must one work
To see past the limits
Set by one’s own mind
That doesn’t understand
How others can see
The idea one once held
In the dark padded room
Deemed crazy, unreachable
Unobtainable, as reachable
Obtainable, possible

———–

Sometimes it takes a push from someone on the outside for us to do things we never thought we were capable of and it is those who give us that push that enable the rest of us to change the world!

Unaware of what you witnessed
But convinced the presentation
Of inspiration means something
And that something is not to be missed
So you go write despite
No clear direction about where to go
Uncertain about what you know
No idea about what will grow
And praying that you don’t stay up all night

Recap of the last year:

I have lost the best friend I had.  God, that hurt.  She was always there for me.  I still think of her more often than I care to and I still love her deeply.  Rachel and I have not talked since October and I can’t say that we parted the way I would have liked to see, however it was needed for both of us.  Is there a point to continuing something that one knows is not only impossible to keep up, but also something that will not work out right in the end?  I dare say no.

We separated via email during a conversation about the future.  I remember thinking for the few days prior to us parting ways that we needed to end it.  We could not keep going like we were simply because it wasn’t promoting the health of our relationship or my attempts to give my marriage to Sara the best attempt that I could.  Then during that conversation the question was posed from Rachel, “What is going to happen with us?”  I was already beginning to think that way on my own and was also trying to find a way to bring it up to her, preferably in person, but I couldn’t lie to her.  I couldn’t find a way out of the question short of giving an answer at that moment.  I told her that we needed to call it quits and move on.  She asked when and I felt that since the cat was already out of the bag there was no use in postponing the inevitable, otherwise we would continue to push it off and it might never have happened.

Shortly thereafter I removed my MySpace account that I had created especially for communicating with her.  She panicked and sent me a few messages to my other MySpace account.  MySpace was the perfect site to talk secretively, because be honest, who actually uses MySpace anymore?  Her final message to me was one begging me not to delete the other account as it was her only way to contact me.  She was scared and I was too, so I kept it active for several months afterwards, but I refused to send anything back.  Within the last month, I have deleted that account and feel better about taking one more step to my future.  It has proven to be a struggle not having someone around me who really understands, but sometimes there comes a point when a season must come to an end.  Anything in excess, no matter how beneficial it may be for a time, is not healthy.

Sara and I have been doing better, but we are nowhere near out of the woods yet.  We are becoming less and less afraid to really be open about our feelings with each other, however we have a long way left to go.  I still don’t know if we are going to make it.  Instead of wondering if I can make it a few more weeks, now it’s come down to a few years.  Progress, no matter how small, is still progress.  I do feel that we have purchased time, but that is a double-edged sword.  If that time proves to be helpful for the reconstruction of our marriage, then I am grateful, however, if that time is just delaying what might ultimately happen anyway, then it will prove to have been even more damaging than an earlier separation.  The idea of potentially separating a few years down the road does scare me.  If only I knew whether or not we would make it, I could take action either way right now instead of waiting for a bigger mess.

I choose to wait because I need time for me.  I need time to make sure that I’m not rushing anything based merely off of a fear of what might happen.  It’s still up to us to decide what’s going to happen, however the decision to make this work must be agreed upon equally and acted out evenly, or else it will certainly fail.  I must make sure that I’m fully accepting of the consequences, both good and bad.  This isn’t an easy decision to make and it’s not one that should be treated lightly.  I do not intend to make any rash decisions, but rather slow down and attempt to make the most informed decision I can.

Lately you may have noticed that my posts are becoming less frequent.  It’s not because I have run out of things to talk about, but usually it’s because I have been rendered silent.  I start to write and desire to share, but after it comes out I usually feel that what I have written is best kept for me.  An internal thought and something personal to keep and grow from.  Am I hiding anything by doing so?  No, but rather the opposite.  I’m increasing my understanding of where I am, who I am, what’s going on with me, and where to go from here so that I can better judge my future course of action.  That boils down to a better ability to teach others in the future.  How can one teach if one does not know or hasn’t yet experienced?  I would submit that it is impossible to do so.

I do realize that this post is becoming a bit long and cumbersome, so I choose to end it and may continue it on a part 2 post following shortly.

Thank you all for all of your consistent support over this last year.  You guys are awesome!

Always me and no one else,
Scattered