June 13, 2012
Just Me Being Me, Thoughts and Observations
Answers, best friend, chances, choices, decisions, feelings, friend, heart, Life, love, Pain, Questions, risk, teaching, Tears, thoughts, understanding, wife, Wisdom
When I started this blog about a year ago, I had a story to tell. I had a purpose. I needed a soapbox. I found it. My voice could not be silenced, no matter how several around me tried. I gained a better understanding about what happened and I needed that. Something aren’t meant to stay the same, but no matter how much happens and how much changes, one must learn to accept and grow from it. I have lost so much and gained even more in the past year.
Recap of the last year:
I have lost the best friend I had. God, that hurt. She was always there for me. I still think of her more often than I care to and I still love her deeply. Rachel and I have not talked since October and I can’t say that we parted the way I would have liked to see, however it was needed for both of us. Is there a point to continuing something that one knows is not only impossible to keep up, but also something that will not work out right in the end? I dare say no.
We separated via email during a conversation about the future. I remember thinking for the few days prior to us parting ways that we needed to end it. We could not keep going like we were simply because it wasn’t promoting the health of our relationship or my attempts to give my marriage to Sara the best attempt that I could. Then during that conversation the question was posed from Rachel, “What is going to happen with us?” I was already beginning to think that way on my own and was also trying to find a way to bring it up to her, preferably in person, but I couldn’t lie to her. I couldn’t find a way out of the question short of giving an answer at that moment. I told her that we needed to call it quits and move on. She asked when and I felt that since the cat was already out of the bag there was no use in postponing the inevitable, otherwise we would continue to push it off and it might never have happened.
Shortly thereafter I removed my MySpace account that I had created especially for communicating with her. She panicked and sent me a few messages to my other MySpace account. MySpace was the perfect site to talk secretively, because be honest, who actually uses MySpace anymore? Her final message to me was one begging me not to delete the other account as it was her only way to contact me. She was scared and I was too, so I kept it active for several months afterwards, but I refused to send anything back. Within the last month, I have deleted that account and feel better about taking one more step to my future. It has proven to be a struggle not having someone around me who really understands, but sometimes there comes a point when a season must come to an end. Anything in excess, no matter how beneficial it may be for a time, is not healthy.
Sara and I have been doing better, but we are nowhere near out of the woods yet. We are becoming less and less afraid to really be open about our feelings with each other, however we have a long way left to go. I still don’t know if we are going to make it. Instead of wondering if I can make it a few more weeks, now it’s come down to a few years. Progress, no matter how small, is still progress. I do feel that we have purchased time, but that is a double-edged sword. If that time proves to be helpful for the reconstruction of our marriage, then I am grateful, however, if that time is just delaying what might ultimately happen anyway, then it will prove to have been even more damaging than an earlier separation. The idea of potentially separating a few years down the road does scare me. If only I knew whether or not we would make it, I could take action either way right now instead of waiting for a bigger mess.
I choose to wait because I need time for me. I need time to make sure that I’m not rushing anything based merely off of a fear of what might happen. It’s still up to us to decide what’s going to happen, however the decision to make this work must be agreed upon equally and acted out evenly, or else it will certainly fail. I must make sure that I’m fully accepting of the consequences, both good and bad. This isn’t an easy decision to make and it’s not one that should be treated lightly. I do not intend to make any rash decisions, but rather slow down and attempt to make the most informed decision I can.
Lately you may have noticed that my posts are becoming less frequent. It’s not because I have run out of things to talk about, but usually it’s because I have been rendered silent. I start to write and desire to share, but after it comes out I usually feel that what I have written is best kept for me. An internal thought and something personal to keep and grow from. Am I hiding anything by doing so? No, but rather the opposite. I’m increasing my understanding of where I am, who I am, what’s going on with me, and where to go from here so that I can better judge my future course of action. That boils down to a better ability to teach others in the future. How can one teach if one does not know or hasn’t yet experienced? I would submit that it is impossible to do so.
I do realize that this post is becoming a bit long and cumbersome, so I choose to end it and may continue it on a part 2 post following shortly.
Thank you all for all of your consistent support over this last year. You guys are awesome!
Always me and no one else,
June 8, 2012
dreams, friend, Life, love, Poem, poet, Poetry, thoughts, understanding
Some things aren’t always as they seem
Look at the stars and allow yourself to dream
Another day bounces by my eyes to be
In another life, you’ve spent another day with me
May 2, 2012
art, artist, friend, Life, love, Poem, poet, Poetry, thoughts, understanding
Quick, baby, scream
Because there’s no time to yell
These rhetorical metaphorics
Have left me numb
Now watch my brain swell
To a size, deemed yet ungodly
Hurry, quick, just try and stop me
Faster before I can cause bodily
Harm to all of my foes
I’ll send them all to the throes
Of my friends they have opposed
But I wouldn’t really do that
Or would I?
These things inside
Eat me alive
When I hear my best friends cry
For this world is filled with cruelty
And to my friends I owe my fealty
No matter how much it hurts
Or how much it’s going to cost me
I promise always
That I’ll serve and protect
Those that I love and respect
And if it ever came down to it
For them I’d offer my neck
March 7, 2012
dream, Life, love, Poem, poet, Poetry, thoughts, understanding
When does infatuation last a whole life long?
How is such a dream possible?
If ever you find such a yellow brick road
Please find it inside to take me with you
February 26, 2012
Music Writing and Production
artist, heart, Life, love, music, music writing, thoughts, understanding
So my desktop computer has decided that it no longer wants to live… Great sadness consumes me over the thought. But hey, I’ve still got my laptop! And not two days after my desktop has been formally euthanized, my laptop hard drive starts clicking… That’s never a good sign. Long story short, I’ve got parts on the way to build for myself a new desktop and I bought a laptop hard drive today and rebuilt it. The first thing I did when I got it up and running (it’s not even halfway configured to my standards) was to get a few tracks out and uploaded! Click HERE to listen!
I’m starting to really expand my horizons and these two new tracks were an experiment. I used a mic to record instead of plugging directly into it. It made me nervous and I had to throw out a few cuts prior to these as the background noises didn’t seem to properly compliment that which I was playing. Anyway, check them out and leave comments! Also, be sure to tell your friends about my stuff if you like it. If you do, I’ll give you the biggest cyber-hug I can! Thank God that I have a couple of jobs, otherwise I would have starved a long time ago.
February 24, 2012
feelings, heart, Life, love, Pain, Poem, poet, Poetry, thoughts, understanding
Sing to the unknown woman in the wind
Who is she? I know not, but I yearn for her
An idealistic nature, yet unrealistic being
Takes hold of a heart living out by believing
That maybe something else is possible
Something more than what is now
Through varied endless opportunities
The night takes hold, darkness, absence of light
February 21, 2012
decisions, feelings, heart, Life, love, Poem, poet, Poetry, thoughts, understanding
Wonder, oh I wonder
What’s left of me to prove
That there’s more to me
Than meets the eye
Beneath a skin so smooth
Ponder, of life I ponder
How I got to where I am
Choices made and
Towards the bottle neck I’m in
February 17, 2012
choices, feelings, heart, Life, love, Poem, poet, Poetry, thoughts, understanding
You’ve got your path
And I’ve got mine
Is it too much to ask
That they cross for a time?
You’ve got your dreams
And also do I
Making the best use
Of time before we die
February 8, 2012
Life, love, Pain, Poem, poet, Poetry, Story, Tears, thoughts, understanding
A light so bright, I cannot see
Call heads or tails, flip once for me
The two-headed coin was destiny’s call
It’s time for me now, for once, for all
The straps so tight, I cannot move
Fight them, I’ll not, I’ve nothing to prove
For if they need a body, I’ll offer them mine
Then “Justice” be served, the worst of the wine
Innocent me, yet here I lie
As they chant and cry, today I’ll die
I tried to save her, yet still she passed
I think, for my next words will be my last
“I loved your daughter.” I said to them both
“And I did my best to keep my oath.
I wanted only to love her and keep her yet safe
I gave her my world, though I be but a waif.”
“When he entered our home, bearing shotgun in hand
I tried to distract and then fight like a man.
I was scared for my life, as would be you too,
But I disarmed the masked man, though his grip be like glue”
“He kicked out my feet as I turned and I shot.
That move filled our bed with buckshot, double aught.”
“Stop it! Just stop!” they cried, weeping in pain
Holding each other and cursing my name
“That’s enough from you for you’ve come to your end”
Said the warden, hands shaking, for he was still my friend
“I believe you” he whispered, injecting my death
“Go to sleep, my old friend, and dream of free breath”
As fatigue covered me, I looked in his eyes
“You know that I loved her, I’ve told you no lies!”
Tears streaked to the floor as the darkness did creep
“I’m sorry,” I cried as I fell to deep sleep
Entered into “The Poetry Challenge – Week Two“
Held weekly by ClownRhymes