June 13, 2012
Just Me Being Me, Thoughts and Observations
Answers, best friend, chances, choices, decisions, feelings, friend, heart, Life, love, Pain, Questions, risk, teaching, Tears, thoughts, understanding, wife, Wisdom
When I started this blog about a year ago, I had a story to tell. I had a purpose. I needed a soapbox. I found it. My voice could not be silenced, no matter how several around me tried. I gained a better understanding about what happened and I needed that. Something aren’t meant to stay the same, but no matter how much happens and how much changes, one must learn to accept and grow from it. I have lost so much and gained even more in the past year.
Recap of the last year:
I have lost the best friend I had. God, that hurt. She was always there for me. I still think of her more often than I care to and I still love her deeply. Rachel and I have not talked since October and I can’t say that we parted the way I would have liked to see, however it was needed for both of us. Is there a point to continuing something that one knows is not only impossible to keep up, but also something that will not work out right in the end? I dare say no.
We separated via email during a conversation about the future. I remember thinking for the few days prior to us parting ways that we needed to end it. We could not keep going like we were simply because it wasn’t promoting the health of our relationship or my attempts to give my marriage to Sara the best attempt that I could. Then during that conversation the question was posed from Rachel, “What is going to happen with us?” I was already beginning to think that way on my own and was also trying to find a way to bring it up to her, preferably in person, but I couldn’t lie to her. I couldn’t find a way out of the question short of giving an answer at that moment. I told her that we needed to call it quits and move on. She asked when and I felt that since the cat was already out of the bag there was no use in postponing the inevitable, otherwise we would continue to push it off and it might never have happened.
Shortly thereafter I removed my MySpace account that I had created especially for communicating with her. She panicked and sent me a few messages to my other MySpace account. MySpace was the perfect site to talk secretively, because be honest, who actually uses MySpace anymore? Her final message to me was one begging me not to delete the other account as it was her only way to contact me. She was scared and I was too, so I kept it active for several months afterwards, but I refused to send anything back. Within the last month, I have deleted that account and feel better about taking one more step to my future. It has proven to be a struggle not having someone around me who really understands, but sometimes there comes a point when a season must come to an end. Anything in excess, no matter how beneficial it may be for a time, is not healthy.
Sara and I have been doing better, but we are nowhere near out of the woods yet. We are becoming less and less afraid to really be open about our feelings with each other, however we have a long way left to go. I still don’t know if we are going to make it. Instead of wondering if I can make it a few more weeks, now it’s come down to a few years. Progress, no matter how small, is still progress. I do feel that we have purchased time, but that is a double-edged sword. If that time proves to be helpful for the reconstruction of our marriage, then I am grateful, however, if that time is just delaying what might ultimately happen anyway, then it will prove to have been even more damaging than an earlier separation. The idea of potentially separating a few years down the road does scare me. If only I knew whether or not we would make it, I could take action either way right now instead of waiting for a bigger mess.
I choose to wait because I need time for me. I need time to make sure that I’m not rushing anything based merely off of a fear of what might happen. It’s still up to us to decide what’s going to happen, however the decision to make this work must be agreed upon equally and acted out evenly, or else it will certainly fail. I must make sure that I’m fully accepting of the consequences, both good and bad. This isn’t an easy decision to make and it’s not one that should be treated lightly. I do not intend to make any rash decisions, but rather slow down and attempt to make the most informed decision I can.
Lately you may have noticed that my posts are becoming less frequent. It’s not because I have run out of things to talk about, but usually it’s because I have been rendered silent. I start to write and desire to share, but after it comes out I usually feel that what I have written is best kept for me. An internal thought and something personal to keep and grow from. Am I hiding anything by doing so? No, but rather the opposite. I’m increasing my understanding of where I am, who I am, what’s going on with me, and where to go from here so that I can better judge my future course of action. That boils down to a better ability to teach others in the future. How can one teach if one does not know or hasn’t yet experienced? I would submit that it is impossible to do so.
I do realize that this post is becoming a bit long and cumbersome, so I choose to end it and may continue it on a part 2 post following shortly.
Thank you all for all of your consistent support over this last year. You guys are awesome!
Always me and no one else,
April 18, 2012
feelings, heart, Life, Pain, Poem, poet, Poetry, Tears, thoughts, understanding
Lived on both sides
Of parallel universes
And at one time
And it was great
I know you see
What I see
Because you told me
That when you
Look in the mirror
You see me
Unmatched by the physical
Interaction between two
People is the memory of
Of knowing the pain
If only, forever lonely,
But not lonely,
That you can’t breathe
February 8, 2012
Life, love, Pain, Poem, poet, Poetry, Story, Tears, thoughts, understanding
A light so bright, I cannot see
Call heads or tails, flip once for me
The two-headed coin was destiny’s call
It’s time for me now, for once, for all
The straps so tight, I cannot move
Fight them, I’ll not, I’ve nothing to prove
For if they need a body, I’ll offer them mine
Then “Justice” be served, the worst of the wine
Innocent me, yet here I lie
As they chant and cry, today I’ll die
I tried to save her, yet still she passed
I think, for my next words will be my last
“I loved your daughter.” I said to them both
“And I did my best to keep my oath.
I wanted only to love her and keep her yet safe
I gave her my world, though I be but a waif.”
“When he entered our home, bearing shotgun in hand
I tried to distract and then fight like a man.
I was scared for my life, as would be you too,
But I disarmed the masked man, though his grip be like glue”
“He kicked out my feet as I turned and I shot.
That move filled our bed with buckshot, double aught.”
“Stop it! Just stop!” they cried, weeping in pain
Holding each other and cursing my name
“That’s enough from you for you’ve come to your end”
Said the warden, hands shaking, for he was still my friend
“I believe you” he whispered, injecting my death
“Go to sleep, my old friend, and dream of free breath”
As fatigue covered me, I looked in his eyes
“You know that I loved her, I’ve told you no lies!”
Tears streaked to the floor as the darkness did creep
“I’m sorry,” I cried as I fell to deep sleep
Entered into “The Poetry Challenge – Week Two“
Held weekly by ClownRhymes
February 4, 2012
Life, Pain, Poem, poet, Poetry, Tears, thoughts, understanding
I write because I cannot trust
Your words once spoken were believed
But believing them has left me deceived
What new thought have you conceived?
You promised me that you loved me
Yet you turn on me like this?
How many times have you followed me?
A lie that started with a kiss
January 25, 2012
feelings, friend, love, Pain, Poem, poet, Poetry, Tears, thoughts, understanding
The following was submitted to The Poetry Challenge.
A face of one I used to know
Overwhelming the senses
In the dark of my mind
And my hole in the wall
I smile at the thought
Parting was such sorrow
Yet I refuse
To let that be my single recollection
Always haunting me
No matter the future
No matter the scars
Hidden safe from the breeze
You’ll be my reason to smile
In the vault of my memory
January 24, 2012
Life, love, Pain, Poem, poet, Poetry, Tears, thoughts, understanding, Wisdom
The lack of substance
Beats down the soul
Try, try, and try again
Push for little to show
Sit and wonder
Stop and think
Give me that bottle
Cry a bit and drink
Invested I have
In the race of man
I’ve tried to show them
As best I can
That love is action
Not a feeling inside
And love is a decision
In which peace will abide
But little do they care
And rarely stop to think
Another tear falls down my face
As I take another drink
January 20, 2012
feelings, heart, Life, Pain, Poem, poet, Poetry, Tears, thoughts, understanding
Emotions prove powerful
Supply the energy needed
But without good direction
The energy proves waste
I still read her thoughts
Written down for the world
She said she contacted me
But I did not receive
Why did it miss me?
What caused such a fault?
Thoughts and tears plagued
My soul left distraught
I remember I blocked her
For her word I could not trust
A move to aid in moving on
To set in motion my progression
But such a message sent
Swing and a miss
I never saw the pain she felt
Nor the pain down her face
Kicking myself into the dirt only does so much good and the rest proves futile. The overwhelming thought is what to do from here…
January 15, 2012
chances, Hurt, Life, Pain, Poem, poet, Poetry, Tears, thoughts, understanding
No tear from my eye
Nor grit of the teeth
But a heart once soft
Turns to stone underneath
A simple gesture of friendship
Extend my neck to fill a need
Put my name on the line
To yet be tossed like bad seed
Tis the last time I try
To help my “brother” get ahead
For he returned with a lie
As he would rather lay in bed
January 11, 2012
Life, love, Poem, poet, Poetry, Story, Tears, thoughts, understanding, words
“When will I see you again?” A single tear fell from her eye as she asked the question she never wanted to ask.
“Give me a week. Just a week darling, although I fear it will be an eternity…” His voice hung in the air as he spoke those words.
“A week? Must it be so long? My loins long for you to fill them with your love yet again before you depart.” Desperate to not let her lover go, she threw herself at him in hopes that he will change his mind.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “How I long to bed you once more before I return, but we mustn’t make this hard than it need be.”
“But I love you…”
“Next Tuesday sennight, look towards the horizon and await my return.”
“Next Tuesday sennight…” she muttered under her breath as she watched him leave, wondering if she would ever see him again. “Next Tuesday sennight…”
January 8, 2012
feelings, heart, Life, love, Poem, poet, Poetry, Tears, thoughts, understanding
I’ve given everything
As I continue to do
But for what?
Does it mean so little?